Sunday was also Father's Day. We didn't get to do too much in the way of celebrating, but I'm trying to slowly make up for it this week. Lots of small things to equal one great day. The older Blake gets the more I see his father's heart developing. He has a way of making people feel valuable. A way of inspiring them to be better. A way of letting them know he cares about them and they are important while never being afraid to have the hard discussions. I feel like Father's Day is a celebration of everything he is. His pastor's heart not just to the kids but to me and to everyone around him. I love who he continues to become as a leader outside our home and the reason it is so easy to love it, is because he is the same person inside our home as he is outside.
2 weeks ago I hit 5 months/20 weeks pregnant. Super excited to be half way through! I started feeling baby kicks instead of tiny flutters, and I continued to feel better and have more energy. My hips and tail bone hurt. I know I had that with Hope, but I think it's worse now. Maybe because I'm 10 years older. That's still hard to believe! How did it take that long for me to decide I wanted to get pregnant again! I'll probably remember why it took that long in a few months. ha! I am loving being pregnant right now though. Loving the thoughts of another baby. Loving the anticipation of it all.
Yesterday Blake and I drove to Guatemala City, ate lunch at Pizza Hut, and then went to our appointment at a doctor to get a 3D ultrasound. We got there in time to watch the start of the World Cup game between Ghana and the U.S. on the t.v. in the waiting room. We listened to the Star Spangled Banner and saw the U.S. score a goal in the first minute. It added to the memorableness of it all. We went back for our ultrasound and the doctor was very nice right from the start. We told him we had come to find out if the baby was a boy or a girl and within 3 seconds of putting the scanner on my belly he said, "Pues. Es un hombre." IT'S A BOY!" Actually hombre is man...which is how they do it here. Kind of weird huh? Can you imagine going in for an ultrasound and them saying, "It's a man!" He spent close to half an hour going over every body part. The brain, the heart, the spine, the abdomen, both arms and both legs counting each finger and toe out loud for us. On one foot he counted seven toes but then laughed out loud. He was kidding. I think. Blake said it did look like a lot of toes on that foot. But more toes is better than less toes right? :)
I can't wait to see what our Logan Ryan looks like. I can't wait to see Camden and Hope with him. I can't wait to hold him and kiss him.
One thing that I've told only a few people is that raising a son is my greatest honor and raising a daughter is my greatest joy. And as I watched the doctor count out little Logan's fingers and toes yesterday and saw his little tiny hands waving around inside of me I kept thinking, "What an honor." Again.
I was hoping a little more for a baby girl. Because daughters will be mine forever. Chances are high we will be close for always. I adore my relationship with my mom and my grandma and now my daughter. There is a connection, a knowing. I felt it with Hope as soon as I pulled her up to my chest after delivering her. My daughter, whose life will be different than mine of course, but also much the same. My grandma, mom, and I... we are wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, feelers, defenders, worriers...but trusters. I love our lineage of women and I love that Hope will continue it.
My sons will be mine for a season. My sons will always be a little bit (or a lot a bit) mysterious to me. My sons will always love me, but one day I will come second to their love for another woman. That's scary. That's hard. Less joy...but more honor. I am raising another woman's husband, my future grandchildren's father, a leader, a man of God, a man of character, a man of integrity. Along with Blake, my job, my role is vital. It's important. It is scary. It is humbling. And it is beautiful.
I have been reading blogs and articles the last couple of weeks on raising sons. (because I had a strong suspicious this one was a boy) I want to be good at this. There is nothing more world changing than raising Godly men. One thing I'm reminded over and over as I read is the importance of honoring the men and little men God has placed in our lives.
Last week Camden was aggravating his sister incessantly. He's gotten really, really bad about it. It has become more than just normal brotherly annoyance. She can't get a break. The three of us were waiting in the car while Blake was inside somewhere and I couldn't handle his aggravating anymore. I had tried everything and nothing was working. So I told him, "Get out of the car. Right now. Get out." He got out and I locked the doors. He was knocking on the windows but I didn't let him in until Blake returned. (3 minutes tops) When he got back in, he cried. And we talked. He said, "I need to feel respected. And I didn't feel respected locked outside. I felt helpless." And my heart broke. I talked to him about how I understood that helpless feeling. That I could see that he was developing a habit of constantly aggravating his sister and nothing I was doing was working. I felt helpless too. I asked him to please tell me how I could help him break this habit. I let him talk. And when he was done I told him that I respected him. That who he is, is worthy of my respect and honor. And that I wanted to be someone in his life that helped him become self controlled and considerate of others. And I prayed that God would grow him and heal the wounds that are caused by growth. Because growth hurts and sometimes even wounds. It's so hard to find that line when raising boys. Helping them grow while letting them know you honor them. But my gut tells me as he enters the teen years there needs to be an intentional shift. Honor becomes even more important than it used to be. Respecting him, especially as the only woman in his life right now, has to always run parallel to "helping him grow." He has to know that I believe in him. That I am proud of him. That I think he is capable and gifted and strong. I have to say the words out loud to him not just think them. The more I instill in him that I honor who he is, the more he can walk into manhood, a marriage, and fatherhood believing in himself. The more he will be able to see himself as a servant leader, a man of character, a man of integrity, and a man that holds great responsibility but has confidence that he has the ability to carry out those responsibilities. That's not his just his wife's job one day. It's my job first. And when he reaches manhood....when he belongs to another woman I will still have the privilege of continuing to honor him. Continuing to believe in him. Continuing to notice and tell him the strengths I see. That part of my role will never end.
And the other thing I can do is to love their wives. Down the road I will get two more daughters. Camden's wife and Logan's wife. But then, because I know they will have that unexplainable bond with their mamas that I have with Hope, I will have to accept that hard place of being second again. I'll be second to my sons after their wives, and second to my daughters in law after their moms. That's why raising sons is hard. Two times now God is calling me to hard. He thinks loving sons and daughters in law, and doing it while being second, is worth it.
So I believe it. It's worth it. And I am, indeed, still joyful. But most of all I Am Honored.
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