Vale La Pena

I submitted my last final of the semester around lunch time, texted my mom that I was done, and then stood at the glass door looking out at the farm land behind our house. And a feeling of melancholy came over me and the Spanish question, "Vale la pena?" came to mind which means "Is it worth it?" or more literally, "Is it worth the pain?" Maybe there hasn't been physical pain, but there has been work, time, frustration, and sacrifice. I mean, seriously, what am I, a woman and a mother of 5 with no job or job experience going to do with a Bible degree that will make it "vale la pena?"

 And then I sensed the Lord telling me to focus on the land at which I was staring. The land that had stood there covered with snow and slush for most of the three months that we have lived here. Seemingly dormant. To all appearances barren. Presently useless. And the wind that rips across that flat dirt?! I have never known anything like it. It's torn shingles off of our roof, and one time I awoke in the middle of the night for sure we were in an earthquake because our house was literally shaking from the power of it.

My mind then turned to the first sixteen weeks of my pregnancy. I was so nauseous. Any little thing could have me fighting the reflex to gag. The smell of popcorn, the sound of anyone breathing, the taste of toothpaste, kissing Blake (ironically), and the feeling of heat blowing on me would all send me over the edge. I felt exhausted every minute, and I cried a lot, and when I wasn't crying I felt mad. I am going to be real honest and say that there were many times, the thought, "Didn't I have enough to deal with already?" would overtake my thoughts. It just did not feel "vale la pena".

When Camden and Hope were babies, and Blake was an audio director in the DFW area, I would ask myself often, "Why are we here, when our hearts long to be in ministry?" Is what we are doing worth anything? When we were youth and worship pastors a few years later, as much as I loved it, my heart started crying out to the Lord, "I want to go to the nations! That's the life that will be worth it." Then when we were on the mission field, while it was so rewarding, it also came with all kinds of feelings that made me wonder if I was enough. I would be plagued with thoughts like: Am I worth it? Do the results that come from Blake and I being here, outweigh the sacrifices others are making, like our financial supporters and our children most of all? Is it "vale la pena"?

So many times we all wonder if it's worth it, don't we? We want there to be a point. We want to be successful. We want there to be great purpose, along with a little recognition to go with it. We want the reward to match or exceed the work.

You know that land behind our house? I saw it last year when we drove through this area praying for a house. Soon it won't just be dirt. Soon there will be planted seeds, sprouting plants, tall, strong corn stalks, and finally a harvest. In a few short months the land will be luscious, green, and plentiful. It will have been worth the wait.

As for my pregnancy, now at 20 weeks, my nausea is almost gone, and the exhaustion has improved. And this morning I awoke to tiny little baby feet thumping against my hip bone, and my heart rejoiced. I breathed a prayer of gratitude to the One who created life, and to the baby inside I whispered: "vale la pena little one". You are worth the pain.

As I continued to stand there at my back door, I thought back to every season of our almost twenty years of marriage, and I felt  the joy crowding out the melancholy. I remembered the rewards. I remembered the priceless lessons that I learned along the way. My mind sifted through so many people that I have loved and who have loved us in return. I thought back to the strength each year had brought to our marriage, and best of all the intimacy that I found in Jesus when life was hard. My soul declared my gratitude: My dear, Savior, you are more to me than I deserve. You are (like you were to Abraham), "my shield and my exceedingly great reward." (Gen. 15:1)

I turned from the glass door, gathered up my books and took them down to the bookcase in our basement. As I stuffed them in with the others that I have collected over the the past three years, I felt nothing but peace. What a silly question to ask if it was worth it. God always makes every season worth it.