My One Word

Six year ago today, we ended a season of church ministry, and began a season of cross cultural "missions" in Guatemala. Here we are at the beginning of the journey... Blake and I so excited...and so naive. ha!

And here we are at the end of the six years, entering back into church ministry. I want to blog about my transition, and in this blog I describe some of my Guatemala journey. This is my personal journey. It isn't Blake's or my kids' or our family's. It's just mine, and just a part. I wish Blake blogged. His journey in Guatemala was completely different than mine, and I'd love for people to read about it. Maybe he will do that one day. But for now,  I'm going to share a piece of my story. 

Before we left Guatemala, Blake and I emailed several pastors and their wives and asked if they would be willing to meet with us during our time in Texas. During these meetings, we boldly asked them to please give us all the wisdom they could think to give us in the amount of time it took for us to drink our coffee together or eat our meal. And we soaked up every word like a couple of thirsty desert wanderers. 

One of the guys who is a mission pastor and former missionary, asked Blake and I and our big kids for one word to describe our time in Guatemala. I could come up with lots of words: 

Beautiful - the mountains, volcanoes, the weather, the people, and a thousand memories that I will cherish forever. 

Proud - of my husband and the leader he was, our staff and their dedication and compassion, the people in the communities that showed strength and resilience beyond description.

Grateful - for all the friends and family that supported us in so many ways, for our Guatemalan friends who graciously embraced us into their lives and homes and hearts, for friendships that will continue despite the miles between us. 

But the word I came up with and gave to him was the word Humbled. 

I pondered it later, asking myself why that was the word I gave. As I searched my heart, I realized that I used that word because of how often I felt humbled sometimes even to the point of humiliation. I had many moments that I felt not good enough. I often fell short of my own expectation and the expectations I felt others had of me. I often felt ashamed that I couldn't do more and be more. In looking back over the past six years, I just didn't feel like I could give myself a good grade.

I knew that these thoughts and feelings were areas that I needed a touch from the Lord. 

As I have prayed about it over the past few weeks, I have felt the Lord bring to mind more than once, something that was shared with Blake and I several weeks ago.

We asked one of the pastors that we met with how he deals with feelings of insecurity and offense when people leave the church, or don't like the sermon, or get mad about a decision that is made. 

"How do you handle that?" 

"How do you prevent the emotions of that from taking over everything else going on in your life and ministry?" 

"How do you move forward and not stay offended or insecure?"

His response was short, but powerful. 

"I ask God for a word. One word from the Lord about the situation is all that it takes to give me peace to move forward. Just one word." 

There it is again..... ONE WORD.... 

Maybe that's what I needed in this instance. Maybe I needed to ask God for ONE WORD that would describe my time in Guatemala. 

So I started doing that, asking God and asking and asking again. 

Finally, I started sensing Him move in my heart in this area.

I felt Him showing me all the hard things that I did during our time in Guatemala.

We arrived in Guatemala with two children. During our time in Guatemala they went through their preteen years and became teenagers. They weren't always happy in Guatemala. That was hard. 

I got pregnant and had another baby when my first two were 10 and 12. That was wonderful, but hard.

I adopted a baby. That, too, was wonderful but hard. 

Having two babies 12 months apart, breastfeeding them both for a time, getting up with them both in the night, keeping them both happy and healthy, all while also having a teenager and a pre-teen... That was hard. 

Trying to master a new language in 45 minute spurts here and there when I got to take a break from the four kids and be involved with ministry? Fumbling my words with our Guatemalan staff and realizing again and again how far behind my Spanish was from the full time American staff? That was hard.

Being the wife of a husband directing a ministry and hearing about all of the highs and not letting myself get jealous, and hearing about all the lows and not holding on to bitterness? That was hard. 

Realizing that I couldn't do it all, and having to make choices about how I should prioritize my time?That was hard.

And there were other things, of course. You know that, and you get the point.... And I know I don't have the edge on hard. Many of you are walking through hard things that make my hard things seem as simple as Kindergarten. I recognize that. 

But I definitely began to see a pattern as I reviewed my time in Guatemala:

God led me to do a lot of hard things.

I cherish my time in Guatemala. We have so many wonderful, hilarious, and unforgettable stories and moments, but it was almost always some level of hard.

Some may say much of the hard was from choices Blake and I made on our own, things that we "brought upon ourselves."

I can understand that, but I also know the hand of God was behind these "choices". 

And I began to feel Him truly confirm that within me.

My steps were ordained by Him.  

He CHOSE me. 

To move to Guatemala in 2013 and stay until 2018 - I was CHOSEN

To be my big kids' mama - I was CHOSEN

To conceive and give birth to Logan - I was CHOSEN

To adopt Grayson - I was CHOSEN

To be Blake's wife - I was CHOSEN

To love the staff (and others) the best I could, in the time I had, with the Spanish I had - I was CHOSEN

What is my one word to describe my time in Guatemala? CHOSEN

I didn't do anything to earn any of it. But every step was a gift. 

And every time I was able to do anything, offer anything, or even receive anything even in my weaknesses and fumbling... it was an undeserved blessing.  

Maybe you, too, are in a season where you aren't the best, aren't the most qualified, and don't have it all together, please know that you are still CHOSEN.

I had another pastor tell me recently that God was sending me to Kalamazoo, Michigan because they needed all of me, even my weaknesses. 

Your kids need you. Your spouse needs you. Your friends, co-workers, and neighbors need you. The people you are serving and loving or ministering to, (even if it's just in 45 minute spurts here and there in very mediocre Spanish), they need you.

Rest tonight in the fact that you are CHOSEN, and God is going to use all of you, even your weaknesses.