My One Word

Six year ago today, we ended a season of church ministry, and began a season of cross cultural "missions" in Guatemala. Here we are at the beginning of the journey... Blake and I so excited...and so naive. ha!

And here we are at the end of the six years, entering back into church ministry. I want to blog about my transition, and in this blog I describe some of my Guatemala journey. This is my personal journey. It isn't Blake's or my kids' or our family's. It's just mine, and just a part. I wish Blake blogged. His journey in Guatemala was completely different than mine, and I'd love for people to read about it. Maybe he will do that one day. But for now,  I'm going to share a piece of my story. 

Before we left Guatemala, Blake and I emailed several pastors and their wives and asked if they would be willing to meet with us during our time in Texas. During these meetings, we boldly asked them to please give us all the wisdom they could think to give us in the amount of time it took for us to drink our coffee together or eat our meal. And we soaked up every word like a couple of thirsty desert wanderers. 

One of the guys who is a mission pastor and former missionary, asked Blake and I and our big kids for one word to describe our time in Guatemala. I could come up with lots of words: 

Beautiful - the mountains, volcanoes, the weather, the people, and a thousand memories that I will cherish forever. 

Proud - of my husband and the leader he was, our staff and their dedication and compassion, the people in the communities that showed strength and resilience beyond description.

Grateful - for all the friends and family that supported us in so many ways, for our Guatemalan friends who graciously embraced us into their lives and homes and hearts, for friendships that will continue despite the miles between us. 

But the word I came up with and gave to him was the word Humbled. 

I pondered it later, asking myself why that was the word I gave. As I searched my heart, I realized that I used that word because of how often I felt humbled sometimes even to the point of humiliation. I had many moments that I felt not good enough. I often fell short of my own expectation and the expectations I felt others had of me. I often felt ashamed that I couldn't do more and be more. In looking back over the past six years, I just didn't feel like I could give myself a good grade.

I knew that these thoughts and feelings were areas that I needed a touch from the Lord. 

As I have prayed about it over the past few weeks, I have felt the Lord bring to mind more than once, something that was shared with Blake and I several weeks ago.

We asked one of the pastors that we met with how he deals with feelings of insecurity and offense when people leave the church, or don't like the sermon, or get mad about a decision that is made. 

"How do you handle that?" 

"How do you prevent the emotions of that from taking over everything else going on in your life and ministry?" 

"How do you move forward and not stay offended or insecure?"

His response was short, but powerful. 

"I ask God for a word. One word from the Lord about the situation is all that it takes to give me peace to move forward. Just one word." 

There it is again..... ONE WORD.... 

Maybe that's what I needed in this instance. Maybe I needed to ask God for ONE WORD that would describe my time in Guatemala. 

So I started doing that, asking God and asking and asking again. 

Finally, I started sensing Him move in my heart in this area.

I felt Him showing me all the hard things that I did during our time in Guatemala.

We arrived in Guatemala with two children. During our time in Guatemala they went through their preteen years and became teenagers. They weren't always happy in Guatemala. That was hard. 

I got pregnant and had another baby when my first two were 10 and 12. That was wonderful, but hard.

I adopted a baby. That, too, was wonderful but hard. 

Having two babies 12 months apart, breastfeeding them both for a time, getting up with them both in the night, keeping them both happy and healthy, all while also having a teenager and a pre-teen... That was hard. 

Trying to master a new language in 45 minute spurts here and there when I got to take a break from the four kids and be involved with ministry? Fumbling my words with our Guatemalan staff and realizing again and again how far behind my Spanish was from the full time American staff? That was hard.

Being the wife of a husband directing a ministry and hearing about all of the highs and not letting myself get jealous, and hearing about all the lows and not holding on to bitterness? That was hard. 

Realizing that I couldn't do it all, and having to make choices about how I should prioritize my time?That was hard.

And there were other things, of course. You know that, and you get the point.... And I know I don't have the edge on hard. Many of you are walking through hard things that make my hard things seem as simple as Kindergarten. I recognize that. 

But I definitely began to see a pattern as I reviewed my time in Guatemala:

God led me to do a lot of hard things.

I cherish my time in Guatemala. We have so many wonderful, hilarious, and unforgettable stories and moments, but it was almost always some level of hard.

Some may say much of the hard was from choices Blake and I made on our own, things that we "brought upon ourselves."

I can understand that, but I also know the hand of God was behind these "choices". 

And I began to feel Him truly confirm that within me.

My steps were ordained by Him.  

He CHOSE me. 

To move to Guatemala in 2013 and stay until 2018 - I was CHOSEN

To be my big kids' mama - I was CHOSEN

To conceive and give birth to Logan - I was CHOSEN

To adopt Grayson - I was CHOSEN

To be Blake's wife - I was CHOSEN

To love the staff (and others) the best I could, in the time I had, with the Spanish I had - I was CHOSEN

What is my one word to describe my time in Guatemala? CHOSEN

I didn't do anything to earn any of it. But every step was a gift. 

And every time I was able to do anything, offer anything, or even receive anything even in my weaknesses and fumbling... it was an undeserved blessing.  

Maybe you, too, are in a season where you aren't the best, aren't the most qualified, and don't have it all together, please know that you are still CHOSEN.

I had another pastor tell me recently that God was sending me to Kalamazoo, Michigan because they needed all of me, even my weaknesses. 

Your kids need you. Your spouse needs you. Your friends, co-workers, and neighbors need you. The people you are serving and loving or ministering to, (even if it's just in 45 minute spurts here and there in very mediocre Spanish), they need you.

Rest tonight in the fact that you are CHOSEN, and God is going to use all of you, even your weaknesses.

Fourteen is for Growing

I am going to start off this birthday blog talking about myself....

When I was thirteen I went to a small Christian school that I had gone to since Kindergarten. I had a best friend, a boyfriend, and a whole lot of confidence. Our class was the oldest at the school, and the plan was to continue to add a grade so that our class could eventually graduate together. But towards the end of the year, the school decided not to offer an eighth grade. I felt like a little bird being kicked out of my warm, comfortable nest. My boyfriend broke up with me, my best friend started homeschooling with another girl that had been in our class, and my new life was planned out for me. My mom would be homeschooling me and my sister. Looking back it felt a lot like leaving a fun party, and being put in time out in a really quiet, non-exciting corner.

But you know what? I am so, so thankful.

The year I was fourteen, I volunteered two days a week at a local hospital. I learned how to quietly serve others.

The year I was fourteen, I decided that I really needed to make my youth group my social group. I became good friends with several kids that I still consider friends today. I even ended up marrying one of them.

The year I was fourteen, I started babysitting three or four, or even five times a week and working in the children's ministry at our church. I learned responsibility, started saving money, and discovered how much I really loved kids.

The year I was fourteen, I realized that I wasn't as important as I thought, but I also realized that I was more valuable than I had ever known, and I learned the difference between the two. Thinking you're important causes you to be selfish and prideful, understanding your value causes you to serve and love others.

When I look back at your 13th year, Hope, I can't help but compare it to mine.
You were at a small Christian school.
You were comfortable.
You had friends.
You had a lot of fun.

And now... it has ended. And not only are we taking you away from your school, but we are taking you away from the country that you have known as home since you were eight years old. And although we are moving back to the States, we are moving 12 hours from the closest Texas border. (Do you want to build a snowman?) I know a bit how you feel, but I also know that it is even harder that what I experienced. I recognize how hard this is, and I am hugely grateful and hugely proud of how brave you are being in this season. You might not see the incredible strength you have, but I see it.



 

In this next year of life, I am praying that God does for you what He did for me at your age.

I am praying that you find:
- A place to serve.
- A place to build forever friendships.
- A place to discover your passions and giftings.
- A place to understand your intrinsic value.

Have big faith in God, "Baby Hope". The toughest seasons often bring the most treasured gifts.
Stay strong, stay brave, and don't lose ALL your sass. ;)

Happy 14!!! It's going to be beautiful!

Humility Exceeding Gratitude

 
    In light of recent events, I found it interesting and ironic that in the FIRST CHAPTER of my sophomore level Public Speech class there was a section on ethnocentrism. (Ethnocentrism - the belief in the inherent superiority of one's own ethnic group or culture) The text book exhorted its readers to check themselves for attitudes of enthocentlrism, and to make it of extreme importance not to let ethnocentrism come out in their public speeches.

    We talk to every student that comes on a trip with our ministry about this very thing. We can be grateful for our country, even proud of it, without believing it to be superior to other countries. In our debrief time with students we do an exercise with them where they have to list and discuss some traits and values about their country and culture from which Guatemala could learn, and then they have to list and discuss traits and values about Guatemala and its culture from which their home country could learn. After just two weeks spent serving Guatemalans, ministering beside our Guatemalan staff, and living with Guatemala families in host homes, pointing out strengths and positives about this beautiful country and its people is NEVER a problem. Our students leave with an awareness that there are basic values seen here in Guatemala that they want to take back to their home, and weave into the rest of their lives. They come to serve, but they realize they receive even more than they give just about 100% of the time.
 
      In high school, I got a job where I worked closely with African American children, day care workers, community leaders, and pastors. Before then, I had known one African American family and that's it. But for three years in high school, by the grace of God, I got to spend hours at a time talking on a deep level with African Americans. I grew to see, that as a culture group, they were more resilient, more intentional, and more brave than anyone I'd ever known in my own culture group. I was inspired over and over and over. I was motivated to embrace some of their traits into my life as best as I could. I have deep respect for African American people.

  In middle school, I took three trips to Mexico. I also got to be around many Latinos through the same job I mentioned above. I fell in love with their inner strength, their loyalty to family, and the way they live fully in the moment. I wanted to speak their language, understand their culture, and live my life in a way that looked similar to their's. I was secretly proud that I was often mistaken as a Mexican. :)

     Since we came to Christian Academy of Guatemala, Camden, Hope, and I have had the opportunity to get to know many Koreans. My boss is Korean, 1/3 of my class is Korean, and both of my big kids have several Korean friends. I am giddy at the opportunity we have to get to know a new culture group. I have been deeply impressed by their politeness, their kind smiles, and their strong sense of community. Recently our school had their yearly mandatory meeting. Guatemalan, North, American, and Korean moms and dads gathered in the chapel, mostly finding seats with their own culture group. I looked across the aisle to see two rows of Korean women and wondered to myself where all of the dads were. I asked later, and was told that it was like that every year. Most of the Korean dads sign their voting proxies over to their wives, and the wives show up together. I think about myself and how here in Guatemala I am so nervous about many things. Blake has to pay the bills, make phone calls in Spanish, and drive me to new places (at least) the first time. And I probably would have pouted for 12 hours if Blake had signed his proxy over to me and not come with me to the meeting. As I think about those two rows of lovely Korean women sitting there together "getting business done", I am totally and completely inspired. I'm inspired to do things on my own more often, to be stronger and more independent, and to, at least every once in awhile, let Blake sign over his proxy.
 
     I often thank God that I am from the USA. I feel humbled and comforted that at any time I can buy a ticket, get on a place, and be welcomed back to my home land. But you know what I'm not? I'm not proud. Because I did absolutely nothing to deserve being born in the USA. It just happened that way. I still have prejudices. I still see racism in my heart that sickens me. I still have so far to go to truly rid myself of ethnocentrism. But I won't stop working on it. I will still strive for humility that  exceeds my gratitude. For me humility means being aware that there are things I can learn, things our culture group can learn, and things our country can learn from every other culture group and every other county on this continent. Let's take the advice of my sophomore level speech book and check ourselves for ethnocentrism and for the love of Trump, keep it out of our public speeches.