A Big Prayer for A Big Change for our Big Kids

We have been going to a new church plant here in Guatemala. One of their missions as a church is to help missionaries to stay on the field. The pastors were missionaries here for five years, and they know. They know sometimes it is hard to stay. I have often thought that God's strong calling on my life to the mission field as a preteen wasn't near as much so that I would go, as it was so that I would stay. Sometimes the staying is harder than the going. I was sharing with the assistant pastors of our new church the other day about why I and my big kids are in a season of staying being hard, and our friend Nate said to me, "I've heard a saying that a mother is only as happy as her most unhappy child". How true that is! That is why I am having to rely on that calling as a middle schooler to carry me through right now. Because I've got two children that are struggling; two children that spend a lot of their time unhappy. 

Camden has struggled from the beginning. It has never been easy for him here although he has had times that are better than others. He lives for the one week missionary kids camp that happens every summer.  My heart broke a little when he came home from camp this year and said to me, "I like myself at camp, Mom. People like me. I am a good person. I'm even kind of cool." Blake and I were talking the other day about our own childhoods, our teenage years specifically. Although we come from wonderful families, it wasn't inside our home that we discovered who we were and about what we were passionate. It wasn’t inside of our homes where we both had experiences that fueled our callings to full time ministry. It wasn’t (just) inside our homes that we received important teaching and mentorship from adults who cared for us. These things happened outside of our homes. It was in our youth group and youth camps. It was on mission trips and volunteer work in which we participated. It was in youth small groups, sports, choir, church drama, and evangelism conferences. It was outside of our home where so much of our character and passion for God was cultivated. So for Camden to say this after camp, although hard to hear, made perfect sense to us. He is missing out on so many of the things that were available for Blake and I, and he is lacking things that need to be found outside of just home and outside of just his parents.  

Hope has been our little adapter. Less than three months ago I wrote in her birthday blog about how she has become so much a part of the community where we live. We were proud of her confidence. But in the past three months life has become difficult for her as well. Before we knew it she had become Camden's little emotional side kick asking us often if we can move back to the States, and asking how on earth she is going to live here for at least 3.5 more years. And as they've joined forces in their complaints the negative feelings start to feed off each other and spread throughout our home, and well it's just not a pleasant season in our house a lot of the time these days. This is the honest truth of our family right now. I want to be real because the body of Christ is a family, and we all struggle and we need each other. We need each other to be authentic, and we need each other to be supportive. 

With two in the family struggling, Blake and I got serious in seeking the Lord for His guidance. We began to rehash the idea of checking into the Christian missionary school in Guatemala City. We had considered it for this year a few months ago, but it felt too overwhelming. We have had them with us since birth. Sending them to school would mean them being away from us for nine hours a day. It would mean a lot of driving for us each day. It would mean fundraising for the tuition. It would mean trusting them to be responsible with their own school work, and allowing for a whole lot of influence that would be outside of our control as parents. All of that seemed like just too much, so we dismissed the idea. But in the past couple of months we began praying about it again. We know that our kids need more than we can give them inside our home. They need space to learn who they are, have relationships with other English speaking kids, be taught and mentored by Christian men and women that are not their parents, and develop some habits and responsibilities that they haven't had to learn as a homeschoolers in our family. As we prayed, we began to see their needs as greater than the challenges presented by sending them to the Christian school. We went last week and visited the school. We met with the director and principal, and felt immediately full of peace. I could feel the excitement growing in my kids as the director talked specifically to them about his desire to see his students grow spiritually, build good friendships, and prepare academically for college. Having someone else speaking to my children in a way that motivated them and encouraged them meant so much to me that I wanted to get up and hug this man I had just met right in the middle of the meeting. I realized that maybe I need this school as much as my kids do. 

So our plan is for Camden and Hope to go to this school next school year, or maybe even this coming January. For both kids to attend, tuition and transportation costs will be about $6,000 a year total. This is not in our budget, so we are going to have to do some extra fundraising. Half of the reason for this blog is for that purpose. We need extra financial supporters. I want to be honest with where we are to show that we did not come to this decision lightly. We don't add in things that would cause the need for extra finances carelessly. Raising support is part of our calling as missionaries, and we feel responsible to the Lord with it as much as we do the ministry and serving part of being missionaries. But this feels necessary for our children. It feels necessary for our family. We both believe that our children are our most important ministry and our primary calling. So after you read this, would you please pray with us? Pray for God to provide the money needed for Camden and Hope to go to school. If you would like to help us with this need, we are posting a link below that will take you to our donation page. 

The other half of the reason for this blog is because I want to be an encouragement to all of you parents out there...specifically moms. I know it's not just missionary wives that feel alone in their parenting sometimes. It's not just homeschooling moms either. It's all of us. Being responsible for raising children into Godly, responsible, and compassionate adults is overwhelming. And the fact that we love these people more than we love ourselves but have to ultimately allow them to make their own decisions is just plain scary most of the time. Trusting God to take care of their hearts and to fill in where we fall short is the biggest challenge we will ever face. I hope my honesty helps you to feel normal. If you, like me, have come to the realization that you can’t be everything for your children, know that you’re not alone. I’m right there with you. Reaching out for help isn’t shameful, it is being brave. Our kids need us to be brave more than they need us to try to be perfect. We need God, and we need each other. Your kids need other people, and you know what?! - other people’s kids need you! Take advantage of whatever community you can find. If being on the mission field has taught me anything, it has taught me the value of community.

In summary, thank you to all of you who have been community to us. Thank you for loving us, and for being a part of the work we are doing here in Magdalena, Guatemala. Thank you for helping us stay. We love you. 

Donation Page: http://stint.com/donate/donation/?id=s79812

Camden is 14

I have a little more pressure this year since Camden is on Facebook. He will be able to read this. :)

I love celebrating Camden's birthday, and thinking about the day he was born. All of my memories of being pregnant with him, and having him, and him being a baby are so vivid. He was the first. There were no distractions, and nothing as important as my baby. He was high needs and high energy. But my word he was so, so cute. His long eye lashes and big blue eyes with the mischieveous glint. We adored him. Blake and I, just 20 and 21, would fight over him sometimes...who got to hold him, who got to buckle him in his car seat, who got to play with him while the other one cooked or cleaned. He was our world, and he brought us even closer. This shared little person that exhausted us and enchanted us. 

He has calmed waaayyyy down since then "gloria a Dios". He is, even what I would consider, laid back. He stays calm in tense situations and rarely raises his voice. He is rational and consistent. He isn't moody. He can make split second decisions in chaos, and almost every time they are the perfect decisions. He doesn't get all bent out of shape when someone corrects him, and doesn't take things personally or get embarrassed easily. He got these things from his dad. They are assets. 

He is also an active listener. He is good at helping people process things. If I want to talk something out and if it's something appropriate for a 14 year old boy, I'm learning he is a good person to go to. He brings up good points. He is nonjudgmental and seeks to understand. He enjoys talking about abstract things, goals, what ifs, the deeper things below the surface, and he thinks the "why" behind something is just as important as the something. He got these things from me. They are assets. 

I look forward to what else the next several years brings to the surface in him. His uniqueness. His traits that are completely his own that make us say, "Wow! Where did he get that wisdom? That stubbornness. Those ideas. Those opinions." I'm bracing myself for the reality that he is going to surprise us. To mystify us. To freak us out. I want to be ready to be surprised because I want to be prepared to cheer on his uniqueness. I want to be willing to support his ideas, even if they aren't my preference. I want to be quick to listen to his opinions and slow to squelch his stubbornness. 

Camden has been in a hard season. He doesn't love living in Magdalena. He is figuring out who he is, in a culture that he thinks is a lot of what he is not. He has to fight for joy. Fight for peace. Fight for a good attitude. But he is fighting. He is learning persistence. He is learning acceptance. He is learning to make the best of a situation that he did not choose. These things he is has to learn himself. And although part of me wishes I could just make it easy for him, I know in my heart....these lessons he is learning....They are assets. 

Destiny Hope is 12

Twelve years old means one more year that I can say I have a little girl. Next year she will be a teenager. She can't wait. I remember that so well. I would have skipped twelve if I could have, and just went right on to the glorious age of thirteen. But I'm anticipating good things for Hope's twelfth year. I for sure don't want her to skip it. I've been looking forward to it all year. The age eleven is a challenging one. Or at least it has been that way with my two that have gone through it so far. I feel pretty excited that we conquered it twice. It feels like an accomplishment for the whole family. This was a crazy year for all of us; Hope included.

She and I lived just over four months in the States while we were in the process of adopting Grayson. That was crazy. Homeschooling while having two babies was crazy. Transitioning to video school which almost doubled our school hours each day was crazy! Being stuck between little girl and teenager is crazy. Being half North American and half Guatemalan is crazy. But all in all, Hope handled crazy pretty well. She had her moments...many of them (as did I), but she has an amazing ability to bounce back quickly. To forgive quickly. To get her happy back quickly. To laugh quickly. To try again quickly. I admire that about her. I'm not near as good at that.

I thought in this year's blog for her I would share a little enlightenment I had in the past couple of months that has and will continue to benefit our relationship. Since moving to Magdalena last summer, Hope has adapted to the culture here in an incredible way. Her Spanish went from almost nothing to being able to comfortably communicate. Her accent (or lack of one depending on how you look at it) is to die for. And she is considered to be a faithful member of the local evangelical church here. She goes to every service that she can...which is usually three evenings a week. She has many friends here now, but her best friend is the girl next door. They are as close as sisters. However, I have to admit that I began wrestling with this friendship. I didn't like that Hope seemed like a different person when she was with all of her local friends here, but with her best friend the time was often spent in our home. This made it very easy for me to observe her. She talked differently, laughed differently, and had different mannerisms. This seemed wrong to me. We should be who we are no matter who we are with, right? I found myself irritated when they were together, and I hated that.

Then a couple of months ago I was watching a video of two guys that each were fluent in multiple languages. They were having a conversation and would switch back and forth effortlessly between the languages. The whole conversation had English subtitles, however, so I was able to follow along. In this conversation the two guys said that the key to becoming fluent in another language is to realize that you have to become a different person with each language. You have to "pretend" that you are a native speaker. You have to mimic the personality of the language: the accent, the mannerisms, the inflections, the facial movements and expressions. You have to do your best to think and behave as if you were born in the culture of the language you are speaking. As I listened to them explain this, I was suddenly struck by the fact that this is what Hope has done. This is what Hope is doing.

This is why she seems different with her Magdalenean/Spanish speaking friends. This is why she has learned the language and fits in so well in this "foreign" culture, and has done it in just over a year (and minus four months in the states!). She has had the natural wisdom to know that she has to adapt if she is going to have real relationships, if she is going to be truly accepted, and if she is going to sincerely enjoy these new people in her life. She has put in the hard work to make this place HER world. She isn't going to be a visitor here or an outsider. She isn't going to "get by" or put on a front. She is going to belong, and she is going to do it with all of her heart. And now that I have a new perspective, I REALLY think she is stinkin' cool. She has a gift, and I pray that she uses it for God's glory for the rest of her life.

Destiny Hope is a fireball. She's passionate and opinionated and you never have to wonder what she is thinking. She loves hanging out with her friends here, and skyping her friend Keely in the States. She likes dressing fancy and can't wait to wear make-up. She likes singing, dancing, playing games on her iPad, and cycles through a different hobby obsession every few months. She can do a little bit of everything. As I've said every year, she is so different from me. That can be frustrating from time to time, but normally I'm just inspired by her and a little bit in awe of who she is. I pray that I'm the mom that she needs in the 6 years I have left to raise her.

I pray that I help her understand what, in life, is most important. I pray that I help her continue to learn how to handle her fiery/sassy personality with maturity, without ever making her feel like she needs to squelch it completely. I have no doubt that it's that fiery/sassiness that will cause her to have great influence wherever she goes. And it will also be what continues to make me stand back and say, "Is she really mine?" and "Please, Jesus, can I be a little more like her?" Happy Birthday Hope. I love you super much!