JUST This

10 days until the kids and I fly to the States. 31 days until Blake flies to the States. 45 days until Logan Ryan's due date. Lots of excitement and nervousness and "can't believe this is happening." Logan is head down low now and I'm feeling stronger Braxton Hicks contractions which my midwife here in Guatemala says leads her to believe I'm going to have another easy labor. Music to my ears. I feel that mother instinct kicking in already. That feeling that freaked me out when Camden was born. This almost animal like instinct that I have to protect my baby and have him close. Here are some pictures of me at 32 weeks.

With Blake getting more and more responsibilities here in the minsitry, I wonder if homeschooling and having another baby plus being in the process to adopt another little one is crazy, when I could be doing so much more to help Blake and be a part of of the amazing things going on here. 

But I know that Logan is a gift God wanted to give us. He has spoken that to my heart since the first early weeks when I was nauseous and anxious. And the confirmations that we DO have a little one coming from Ethiopia continue to come. But still I question sometimes...

"Would it have been more admirable for me to skip the two new babies and maybe even the homeschooling and pour my heart and time into partnering with my husband in the work here?"

 But in my heart I know my calling lays #1 in being a wife and mom. And God has been speaking to my heart a lot about that lately. Recently during one of my devotional times He even spoke to me anew about who He was calling me to be and the areas He wanted me to develop and mature. I wrote them out as they came to my mind and heart.

1. As a wife God wants me to be Blake's breath of fresh air 

2. As a mom God wants me to laugh a lot and not be stressed

3. And for the opportunities I do get to minister and have relationships outside my home God has made me and called me to be a woman that has this balance of gentleness and realness/rawness and humility and humor. A safe place for people to be themselves and to realize through my words and example that God will meet them where they are. 

I honestly don't know if it's because of calling, selfishness, or personality but I can't do all three of these things AND be intensively invested in work and ministry outside our home. When I get busy outside our home, being Blake's "breath of fresh air" turns into being Blake's whiny, needy wife, being a mom that laughs a lot and isn't stressed turns into being mom that snaps a lot and IS stressed, being a woman outside the home that is gentle and real and and humble and funny turns into being a woman that is often effective but quickly becomes too intense and opinionated and then unsatisfied and restless because I am being a brat to my husband and kids and feeling regretful about my over-intensity. 

Some women can do it all. They are great workers and ministers outside the home AND excel at being wives and mothers. I admire them. But I'm not there. At least not yet. So I'm a wife and a mom the majority of the time, and you know what? I love it! But at the same time I'm having to learn not to let Satan steal that love and joy from me by telling me I'm not enough. Because how sad to think that God has given me these fantastic children and the privilege and desire to homeschool them and stay at home with them PLUS given me the gift of loving it, and yet I allow Satan to make me question myself and compare myself and judge myself and take into (way too much) account people's critical opinions women that are only wives and moms. It's almost like taking God's gift of enjoying my life and throwing it away. And I'm determined to stop doing that. And to just focus on those three things that God is telling me to work on. That's where I am right now. I know it's not everyone's journey, and I know it won't be my journey forever, but it what it is for right now. And I'm good with JUST this.