We have been going to a new church plant here in Guatemala. One of their missions as a church is to help missionaries to stay on the field. The pastors were missionaries here for five years, and they know. They know sometimes it is hard to stay. I have often thought that God's strong calling on my life to the mission field as a preteen wasn't near as much so that I would go, as it was so that I would stay. Sometimes the staying is harder than the going. I was sharing with the assistant pastors of our new church the other day about why I and my big kids are in a season of staying being hard, and our friend Nate said to me, "I've heard a saying that a mother is only as happy as her most unhappy child". How true that is! That is why I am having to rely on that calling as a middle schooler to carry me through right now. Because I've got two children that are struggling; two children that spend a lot of their time unhappy.
Camden has struggled from the beginning. It has never been easy for him here although he has had times that are better than others. He lives for the one week missionary kids camp that happens every summer. My heart broke a little when he came home from camp this year and said to me, "I like myself at camp, Mom. People like me. I am a good person. I'm even kind of cool." Blake and I were talking the other day about our own childhoods, our teenage years specifically. Although we come from wonderful families, it wasn't inside our home that we discovered who we were and about what we were passionate. It wasn’t inside of our homes where we both had experiences that fueled our callings to full time ministry. It wasn’t (just) inside our homes that we received important teaching and mentorship from adults who cared for us. These things happened outside of our homes. It was in our youth group and youth camps. It was on mission trips and volunteer work in which we participated. It was in youth small groups, sports, choir, church drama, and evangelism conferences. It was outside of our home where so much of our character and passion for God was cultivated. So for Camden to say this after camp, although hard to hear, made perfect sense to us. He is missing out on so many of the things that were available for Blake and I, and he is lacking things that need to be found outside of just home and outside of just his parents.
Hope has been our little adapter. Less than three months ago I wrote in her birthday blog about how she has become so much a part of the community where we live. We were proud of her confidence. But in the past three months life has become difficult for her as well. Before we knew it she had become Camden's little emotional side kick asking us often if we can move back to the States, and asking how on earth she is going to live here for at least 3.5 more years. And as they've joined forces in their complaints the negative feelings start to feed off each other and spread throughout our home, and well it's just not a pleasant season in our house a lot of the time these days. This is the honest truth of our family right now. I want to be real because the body of Christ is a family, and we all struggle and we need each other. We need each other to be authentic, and we need each other to be supportive.
With two in the family struggling, Blake and I got serious in seeking the Lord for His guidance. We began to rehash the idea of checking into the Christian missionary school in Guatemala City. We had considered it for this year a few months ago, but it felt too overwhelming. We have had them with us since birth. Sending them to school would mean them being away from us for nine hours a day. It would mean a lot of driving for us each day. It would mean fundraising for the tuition. It would mean trusting them to be responsible with their own school work, and allowing for a whole lot of influence that would be outside of our control as parents. All of that seemed like just too much, so we dismissed the idea. But in the past couple of months we began praying about it again. We know that our kids need more than we can give them inside our home. They need space to learn who they are, have relationships with other English speaking kids, be taught and mentored by Christian men and women that are not their parents, and develop some habits and responsibilities that they haven't had to learn as a homeschoolers in our family. As we prayed, we began to see their needs as greater than the challenges presented by sending them to the Christian school. We went last week and visited the school. We met with the director and principal, and felt immediately full of peace. I could feel the excitement growing in my kids as the director talked specifically to them about his desire to see his students grow spiritually, build good friendships, and prepare academically for college. Having someone else speaking to my children in a way that motivated them and encouraged them meant so much to me that I wanted to get up and hug this man I had just met right in the middle of the meeting. I realized that maybe I need this school as much as my kids do.
So our plan is for Camden and Hope to go to this school next school year, or maybe even this coming January. For both kids to attend, tuition and transportation costs will be about $6,000 a year total. This is not in our budget, so we are going to have to do some extra fundraising. Half of the reason for this blog is for that purpose. We need extra financial supporters. I want to be honest with where we are to show that we did not come to this decision lightly. We don't add in things that would cause the need for extra finances carelessly. Raising support is part of our calling as missionaries, and we feel responsible to the Lord with it as much as we do the ministry and serving part of being missionaries. But this feels necessary for our children. It feels necessary for our family. We both believe that our children are our most important ministry and our primary calling. So after you read this, would you please pray with us? Pray for God to provide the money needed for Camden and Hope to go to school. If you would like to help us with this need, we are posting a link below that will take you to our donation page.
The other half of the reason for this blog is because I want to be an encouragement to all of you parents out there...specifically moms. I know it's not just missionary wives that feel alone in their parenting sometimes. It's not just homeschooling moms either. It's all of us. Being responsible for raising children into Godly, responsible, and compassionate adults is overwhelming. And the fact that we love these people more than we love ourselves but have to ultimately allow them to make their own decisions is just plain scary most of the time. Trusting God to take care of their hearts and to fill in where we fall short is the biggest challenge we will ever face. I hope my honesty helps you to feel normal. If you, like me, have come to the realization that you can’t be everything for your children, know that you’re not alone. I’m right there with you. Reaching out for help isn’t shameful, it is being brave. Our kids need us to be brave more than they need us to try to be perfect. We need God, and we need each other. Your kids need other people, and you know what?! - other people’s kids need you! Take advantage of whatever community you can find. If being on the mission field has taught me anything, it has taught me the value of community.
In summary, thank you to all of you who have been community to us. Thank you for loving us, and for being a part of the work we are doing here in Magdalena, Guatemala. Thank you for helping us stay. We love you.
Donation Page: http://stint.com/donate/donation/?id=s79812
